Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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