She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
