got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
