Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
