I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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