You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
