Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
