I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
im on a boat
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