Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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