everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Send help, water and tortillas.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
