I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
