I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
