I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
