Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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