I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Four minutes until I can fart!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
