I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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