I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
