I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
