those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
