My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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