Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
