Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize