1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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