Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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