Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
