Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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