My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
