The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
