Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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