Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We named our party play list daddy issues
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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