i just sent this text using only my big toe
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
