sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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