just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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