so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
