Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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