So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
