i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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