Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
