I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
