So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
