u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
