somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
