I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
