i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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