she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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