I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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