I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
