ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
