I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
