I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
