come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
