so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize