I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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