you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
