Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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