My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
