just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
