I bet he comes in French.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
