Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
